Robert Wildau NewSouth Mediation Services

Family Matters

Separation and Divorce

Marriage partners only break up because at least one of them thinks it will lead to happier lives for both partners.

But while it's happening, both of them struggle with anger and disappointment. It's tempting to let off steam by lashing out at each other through lawyers, and by trying to gain the favor of their children.

Just when the future is the most uncertain, husbands and wives waste savings or go deeper into debt fighting over limited resources. Children dread more than anything else being forced to take sides. Studies show they are marked for life by the spectacle of their parents hurting each other.

But strange as it may seem, you can have a bad marriage and still achieve a good divorce. The key is working out your divorce with your spouse, instead of fighting it out.

A good mediator will help you do that.

Divorce mediation separates the people from the problems in a way that makes solutions possible. But both parts of the divorcing couple have to share certain priorities:

They choose		They reject
Making the future better	instead of	dwelling on fault and blame for the past
The love of children for both parents	over	their bitterness with each other
A fair and workable settlement	rather than	getting the last dollar

They understand that life is long and that how they act is more important than what they say. In divorce especially, experience shows that "what goes around comes around."

How does divorce mediation work?

In divorce cases the mediator helps spouses define their issues, collect information they need to make decisions, generate options, then negotiate agreements. No advance commitment is necessary except to play by rules that you and your husband or wife agree on.

The mediator helps you and your spouse figure out how to share the ups and downs of raising children in the real world waiting out there for when the divorce is over. Each of you works through a budget and figures out how to meet your own needs, and what help you need or can afford to give to your children's other parent. Together you draw up an inventory of the property and debts that you accumulated during the marriage. Then you divide them in the way that best meets your different needs.

But why should I take the chance of going through a divorce without a lawyer to protect my rights?

You shouldn't! But keep control of the process yourself, instead of turning it over to a hired gun, or a court system which can't afford to give your case the attention it deserves. By discussing with you how a court may treat your case, a lawyer can give you the confidence you need to settle your own divorce. (Psychologists, accountants and financial planners can be helpful too.) So consult with an attorney in advance, call her for advice during a break or bring him to the table. The best use of a lawyer in mediation is as a coach, not a fighter.

How do I prepare for mediation?

Pulling together the necessary financial information is always the most time-consuming part of any divorce process. You can make your mediation most efficient by using NewSouth's copyrighted forms:

Collect the papers listed on our Divorce Document List;

Calculate the total incomes of each partner on separate copies of our
Income Worksheet;

Prepare a budget for how each party thinks it fair for them to live after the divorce, using our Post Divorce Budget form (in PDF format or MS Excel format); and

Summarize the assets and debts of the marriage on our Marital Balance Sheet form (in PDF format or marbalsheet.xls).

Download Adobe Acrobat Reader to view NewSouth's forms.

Pre-Nuptial Issues

About half of all first marriages end in divorce, and an even higher percentage of second marriages! If only couples could address the challenges of married life as seriously before they marry as they do at the time of divorce. But most husbands and wives get only one quiet little pre-marital counseling session with a clergy-person. It rarely touches on the subject of money, which triggers more divorces than any other cause.

A pre-nuptial agreement can achieve two wonderful purposes. First, it is a forum for talking about difficult issues before marriage. Second, and more important, it is a means of resolving tough financial questions at a time when the parties are respectful and loving towards each other rather than feeling angry and insecure.

For a long time, most prenuptial agreements involved couples who differed widely in age and wealth. So we think of a "prenup" as an unromantic contract that smacks of selfishness. But a prenuptial agreement is only selfish if it is unfair, as in "you keep what is yours, and I keep what is mine" when I am many times wealthier than you. Under those circumstances, if the marriage lasts for many years, the agreement probably is unfair and won't be enforced anyway.

Although the prenuptial agreement seems pessimistic because it contemplates divorce at the very beginning of a marriage, it is becoming increasingly popular. And as a road map for a couple's lifelong financial dealings, it can set a pattern for fairness and openness in their entire relationship.

Having helped many husbands and wives find fairness amid the turmoil of divorce, NewSouth has the tools and seasoning to make pre-nuptial financial counseling a valuable experience for every engaged couple.

This site managed with Dynamic Website Technology from Mediate.com
Products and Services
InstantAssist.com Conflict Consultation